Life Update

Oh Where do I start.  LOL

This post is going to create a lot of unknown for me.  It is going to create a reason for some people to walk away from me, but I think that it will also open the door for open dialogue, as to who Sandy truly is.

2012, yes, 8 years ago, life was crazy.  My family life was a shambles, and in ways, I was barely hanging on.  Little did I know that God was getting ready to turn my world upside down, in so many ways. I was walking a road, with one of my kids, Lisa, a recent widow.  Her husband, Gess, had lost his battle with Cystic Fibrosis, in November of 2010  In April of 2011 Lisa was diagnosed
with Breast Cancer.  My life, as I knew it, was going to get crazy.  I was working full time, and going between Seattle and Yakima, several times a week.  My life was full, I honestly wasn't looking
 for anything else at the time, but God had other plans.


In May of 2012, I met this amazing Woman.  Yes, I said woman.  She rocked my world, all the while not even knowing I existed.  I was drawn, like a moth to a flame.  She was a single mom of 4, hardworking, and just overall amazing.  She was one of the managers, in the RV park, where I lived.  My crazy hours, would take me in the office at odd hours, picking up mail, paying my bills, using the internet, etc.  All the time, usually her smiling face was there.  (Later she admitted she was a little enamoured by the woman in scrubs.)  Please note, this was NOT my female relationship.  I just did a really good job, of keeping it quiet, as I knew what my parents and family's feelings were towards gay people.  We had some good friends as I was growing up and they had a gay son.  He was murdered, for being gay, and my parents were very vocal that that was God's punishment for him being  gay.  All gay people were horrible sinners, and deserved to die horrific painful deaths.  This was one of the main reasons, I never came out, even though I had some inklings while I was in high school.  I always equated  those desires to the trauma, I endured  in the various forms of sexual abuse I had suffered from a young age, thru my teenage years.

Over the next few months, I got to know her, and the kids. As the cancer continued to ravage Lisa's body the inevidable was sinking into my brain.  I think Stephanie realized what was going on, and she rallied around me, and with the kids made my time at home fun. We filled the days with ice cream and trips to the park, swimming in the pool and picnics and bbq's.  Lisa lost her battle with cancer August 1st, 2012.  My heart had a hole, but God had already given me the pieces to fill it back up.  I had told Lisa about Stephanie, and she was happy, as she asked several times who would take care of me, after I had taken such good care of her.  She reminded me that I deserved to be happy and know what it was like to be in a loving relationship.  My last few days with Lisa, were spent in quiet contemplation of all that was going on inside me.  Lisa found peace, and was ready to go home and be with Gess.  I was ready to go home and be with Steph and the Kids.  Yes, I was slowly falling in love with Steph and the family.  I had  been blessed with an amazing dad, who many years earlier had fallen in love with a woman with children.  He and my mom married, and he raised us as his own.  Steph and the kids, were a package deal.  I wasn't going to get one without the other, nor did I want that.  I knew God had brought them into my life for a HUGE purpose.  As Steph and I started dating, I struggled with all the emotion inside.  I knew that God wasn't going to bring her into my life, to say "Nope sorry".  I sought out pastors and professors, of many religious organizations, asking specific questions.  I bought a Hebrew/Greek Bible, so I could look up many scriptures, so I could figure out what God was saying, vs Man's interpretation.  On my 2nd trip to Israel,  I had the privelege to talk with an amazing theologian.  After that trip, it was clear in my head and heart, that I would NOT go to hell for falling in love.  In December of 2012, we officially became a family.

Life has been crazy, but Steph and I agreed, when we decided to go forward as a family, It would be thru the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.  And believe you me, the enemy has tried us.  But we are still here, 8 years later.  Life has taken us to Missouri currently, and we are trusting God to show us where we will go in the next phase of life.  We have 2 still at home, and so will probably be in Missouri until they graduate from High School, but that is in God's hands.

So that is where we are.  Now that I have brought everyone up to date as to what life is like, I can start writing my blog again.  Come on this journey with me, let's see where life leads us.

Recent Doctor's visit

I am so glad that I have such a loving "Great Physician" overseeing my condition. God's promises are like the stars: the darker the night, the brighter they shine. -- David Nicholas .

Acceptance - from where it is important

As much as your love and acceptance would thrill me,
my life is not dependent on it.
I know who I am in Christ
and that alone gives me the reason and validation
to get up every morning
and keep moving every day.

One thing that God has been showing me through my Mt. Moriah experience is the fact that HE is all that I need. Everyone and everything else in my life is just 'the icing on the cake' so to speak.

Just as Abraham had to be willing to give up the very thing that he had waited so long for, and felt was a blessing from God - so must I be willing to completely trust God to know what is best for me even if that means removing people and things from my life. I am amazed how my view, in the last 6 months, has changed of what is important.

Many of you know that the relationship between my mother and I has never been really solid - and usually is at best at least minorly strained. Well it came to a head again 3 weeks ago today, and as I look back in retrospect, yes it hurts, but it hasn't devastated me, as it would have in the past. I love my mom, I know that life hasn't been easy for her, but I am no longer willing to be "the only hell that she ever raised" as she told me many years ago. I can't change her life, or the decisions that she chooses to make in the way that she treats her children. I am not willing to allow her to blame me for all the problems in her life, or my siblings life, and if that means that I have to step away I am reluctantly willing to do that. As she ended one of our 3 conversations on the 25th of September, she said "Come get your things, have a nice life, good-bye." If I would have heard that from her 6 months ago, my heart would have been crushed. Did it hurt, yes, it hurt like hell, but I wasn't then/ and am not now willing to allow the hurt, and bitterness, that was spilling from her, to change and/or define who I am.

I am a child of God. Am I perfect? absolutely not - but I know that I am forgiven - and God has cast my sins as far as the East is from the West. He doesn't throw them in my face, every time He gets frustrated with me and ultimately He is who I have to please. He puts all of His children on a level playing field and never uses one to judge another by. He is teaching me, that He finds great value in me - I am His treasure. And I am excited to say that it has been a long time since I have seen anything good when I look in the mirror of my soul - but now through this experience, I can see so much clearer now at who I am in Christ - and that is good enough for me. I am enjoying His refining process in my life - even though the pain is great at times.
I am learning that it isn't in people, things, or "stuff" that my worth and value is defined - it is simply in who I am.

I am so excited to see what He is continuing to show me, and how my trip to the Holy Lands plays into all of this. I am going to walk where Jesus walked, sit by the Sea of Galilee and hear His voice say "come follow me", and I am going to be able to honestly say 'Yes Lord, I am willing to do whatever it is that You are calling me to do', with nothing holding me back. And for that - this Saturday morning brings me a hope and excitement that I haven't felt in a long time.

Big hugs to you my friends. Know that I love you, but God loves you more than I ever will be able to.

Israel - Here I come

I was just sitting here thinking that this time next month - I will be in the Holy Lands. I can not even begin to explain what is going on in my heart when I think of this. But I want to start blogging the journey, I feel that this is the process that I need to be taking at this point - even though it is a long way away. I certainly won't be blogging every day, at this point, but it should be a progression towards the day of departure.

I have been looking at "small" laptops lately, to help cut down on the luggage that I will be taking with me, and am amazed at all that is available. Maybe this is one of the ways that God is working on 'compacting' me down so that I don't have as much baggage either. LOL

^you cant build your future on hurts from the past.^ Maybe it is time to move ahead in life and leave the past behind including all the pain.

This was a post that I put on Facebook yesterday. I think of all of the decisions and things leading up to my going on this trip, and I am amazed at the Mt. Moriah experience that is going on in my life right now. Life has a way of teaching you things, even when you don't want to be taught - making you realize what is truly important, and what is just additional baggage. Pain and hurt is additional baggage that all to often people drag through life, or maybe pain and hurt drags people through life.

Growing up everyone talked about leaving things at the foot of the cross, and through these past 7 months, I am amazed how much I have left at the foot of the cross, and am so excited to think about actually getting to go and see where that cross was, the place that my Savior died, willingly for me, so that I might live. Am I doing Him a dis-service by not living life to the fullest - by dragging huge suitcases of hurt and guilt, shame and rejection around throughout my life?

As I make my lists of what I need to take with me, remembering that this trip is 2 weeks, not 2 years or 2 decades, God keeps reminding me of His ability to care for me, and take care of my every need - even in far off countries. As I keep researching the best way to blog and keep in touch during my sojourn I am thankful for the many things that God is showing me, and am excited to see what He is going to show me while I am there.

So you guys will get to go through this with me. Maybe there is something that God will teach you through this also - who knows, I guess time will tell. Hugs to you all.

The gift of encouragement

These last couple of months, I have been blessed with a sympathetic ear. There has been a changing on the guard at the community home where Marilyn, my mentally handicapped charge, lives. The new administrator, J, and I hit it off, extremely well as we worked together for the common good of Marilyn. It was great having a sympathetic ear, when it came to my frustrations of what was happening.

Slowly these last couple of months, we have gotten meds straightened out, and M's attitude has improved so much. I have to admit, sometimes I feel like a mom with a child, when it comes to M's issues, and wonder why I made the promise to the Judge to make sure she was taken care of. But I know why I did it, and know that everyone deserves to have someone who will look out for them, when they are no longer able to look out for themselves.

Well, these past few days, have been rough for M - and we have had to deal with some medical issues with her, that hopefully won't make a move to the nursing home necessary. Tonight I had to run out to the home and check on her, and the new administrator said to give her a call, when I left there.

After checking on Marilyn, I thought I would give J a quick call, and just give her a quick report. I guess God had other plans. It seems as if J had a bad day, and so I gave her the opportunity to vent about whatever she needed to get off her chest. In her early 50's, lost her husband of over 25 years, 5 years ago, she is stronger beyond her years, but she doesn't realize it. Today was just a crappy day for her. As I gave her the quick update on M, I realized that maybe she needed a sympathetic ear tonight, and so I encouraged her to talk about how her day was.

When I got off the phone and realized that we had talked for almost 2 hours, I was amazed. As we shared back and forth, and she would ask personal questions about my life, I found that she was truly interested in how I came to do the work that I do. She was trying to encourage me, but in a round about way - it gave me so so many opportunities to be an encouragement to her.

I have to be honest in saying that for the past few months, I have found myself spending more and more time with God (that's a good thing), and not depending so much on human contact for the encouragement and acceptance that we all so desire. As I encouraged J not to give up and stay the course, God keep saying that to me in the back of my mind. I guess that is the amazing thing about encouraging someone. You can't encourage someone, without being encouraged yourself.

"Thank you God for allowing me the opportunity to, once again, use the giftings that You put inside of me, to give hope to another struggling warrior."

Let me encourage you - find someone who needs a little extra encouragement, and freely give it. I can almost guarantee that it will make you think less of the stuff going on inside of you - and you might even walk away with a smile.

Just a few thoughts,
Walking with the King,
Sandy

Beauty for Ashes

I finally got out to Mom and Dad's today - and on the way was able to see the devastation of the Cowiche Mill Fire. I was in shock, as I saw so much blackened earth, covering the hillside, knowing that what I was seeing, was basically just the start, as the fire went over the hill, into the West Valley area, and also up into the canyons where I usually never get to.

The blackened earth, scorched by devastation, but yet in the midst of it, were oasis's. The homes, burnt all around, yet still standing, the orchards singed but yet still bearing fruit.

I kept thinking of the verse that talks about He will give us beauty for ashes. I am sure that those whose homes were saved, are singing His praises, along with those of our fearless firemen - who valiently fought the fires for many hours. I am reminded of the big fire in Yellowstone National Park, back in the late 80's, early 90's and how then several years after that, we had the opportunity to go through. The utter devastation of the fire was now flourishing, growing, it was truly amazing. We found out that there are certain types of pine trees, that they will only release their seeds, in extreme heat - and that kind of heat is only present during a forest fire.

I think sometimes in our lives, there has to be a fire. Something that, if not handled right, could truly devastate us, but if given over to the Master, can be made beautiful. I think of the things that have gone on, and are currently going on in my life. Things that could send me to an early grave, encourage me to turn my back on God, give up, and so many other things, but yet I keep remembering "what satan intended for evil, God can use for good."

So I am not saying this real loud, but go ahead and turn up the heat, because God is in Control, and He is more than capable of turning ashes into something beautiful.

Walking with the King,
Sandy

Greater Is He that is in Me -

As I sit and think about Who God is, I am in awe.

This is the One that could create the world in 6 days - could destroy it with a 'rainstorm' - made dreams come true for so many (Abrahm and Sarai, Zechariah and Elizabeth) and so many more, and yet in His infinite Power - He is concerned about me.

I was talking with a friend tonight on the phone for quite a while about all that is going on in life, and all I could think about was, and He loves me!

MY GOD LOVES ME!! His love isn't based on anything I could do, say, sacrifice, or pay for. It is based solely on who HE is, it isn't even about me. When you think about that - all I can say is WHOA!!! How can I not be moved with that fact? He loves me, so much, that He wants to take up residence in me - to help me to be a better person.

As my friend and I were talking, it once again turned to how God is so much more patient with the world than I could ever be - because it would have been over along time ago - I would have said enough is enough, as I look at all that is going on in the world today. But then I am reminded, that there are many who don't have the benefit of having His Presence guiding them, in their everyday activities.

So I am again moved with the idea that HE LOVES ME!, and wants to take up residence in me. So tonight I am blessed to be able to say - Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.

Just a few thoughts
As I walk with the King,
Sandy