Tonight, I am frustrated as I write this, but can't figure out what is going on inside of my head, so I will try to explain as best as possible.
Why is it that, I am told, that I light up the room and make people feel good about themselves, but yet don't like the person that I see in the mirror - or the person that looks out of my soul?
I am told, that I make people laugh and bring so much joy - but yet on the outside the laughter sounds hollow, because inside my heart cries continually.
How is it that people come to me for all kinds of advice, and see me as "wise" but my own personal life sits around me in disarray and ruin?
Why is it that I can help people cross "the bar" into the eternal, with full confidence and peace, but the inside of my soul is constant turmoil and far from peaceful?
Why is it that I can sit and pray with people, and watch the answers come for them, but when I bow my head in prayer for myself - I feel that my prayers are just bouncing off of heaven.
The only word that comes to me is INADEQUATE. There have been times in my life where that is what I have been told, that I was inadequate - would never quite measure up. Have I become a self-fulfilling prophecy to all these people?
As I was reading the Guidepost devotional to a dear dear friend of mine, one of the stories was about when we don't understand God's plan for our life, and things don't seem to make sense. It was everything that I could do, not to tear up and start crying right there - and really worry her. I have to be honest in saying that I truly don't understand God's plan for my life. The scriptures say that if we seek Him with all our heart, He will grant us the desires of our heart. Now I could get all theological here and talk about the desires and how they have to line up with His Perfect Will for my life, etc - but I don't want to do that. I guess I just want to know why I struggle so in so many areas of life and want to know when my desires are going to be granted.
I know that I have so much to be Thankful for, but yet there seems to be so much in my life that seems to be unfulfilled. The hurts tonight seem so great, and I'm so frustrated, so tired of being frustrated and in all honesty, I guess I am tired of trying to be optomistic. Not sure where to go, or what to feel at this point. Because all I seem to be feeling is Inadequate. Put that one on my tombstone I guess.
