Saturday, May 30, 2009

Let's get Technical

My "excuse" in life has always been - I'm just a farm kid. Well this week I did something completely out of character and I kind of like it.

Knowing that I was in need of a cell phone check-up - I headed to US Cellular. I have always had the philosophy - A phone is a PHONE - I don't need a camera, a typewriter, a computer, a secretary - or any of these other "options". Somewhere between my walking in the store and leaving the store, my philosophy changed :-) The young lady who helped me asked me some very pointed questions as to my life style and then presented several options to me. She laughed at me when I said I was just a farm kid but yet I travel with my mp-3, laptop, personal planner, and 2 cell phones. I think her tongue in cheek response was something about a farm kid usually travels with a couple chickens and a cow. We laughed lots during my 2 hours in the store, and I finally walked out with a cell phone, that has a camera, voice recorder, Qwerty keyboard, Internet access, 16 GB music capability with additional mini SD slot, GPS, and who knows what else is there that I haven't discovered yet. Now all of this wonderful technology is in a little box that measures about 2"x 5" and is bright green, and weighs less than a pound.

When I go on my long "vacations" I will probably still travel with my laptop - but I won't need quite as many "adapters" for all the other equiptment. I will definately be traveling lighter. And you know what really amazes me - I got all of this "stuff" and the ability to have access to to all the internet options for the same price as I was already paying for my existing plan.

I guess this Farm kid is stepping out and moving with the times. But for those of you who get a little excited about this prospect, just know it is going to take a lot more effort to get me out of my jeans and tennis shoes ;).

I guess progress is beneficial and so as I move into the "technical world" I will have fun learning what I now hold in my hand. I think somewhere I read that I can actually go to my blog on there, so who knows maybe one day - I will post my blog from my cell phone also. As one of my good friends said "Who would have thunk it". There is hope for me yet. LOL

I guess what I am learning is yes a phone is a phone, but we never have to be scared of moving forward with the times as long as we do it in the right way.

I guess I will keep my mind open to some of these options, as I hold the King hand. Sandy

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Time to get serious

I am back home again, and home for a while. I'm not really sure when my next "trip/vacation" will be and so I am trying to figure out what to do with my life next.

There are lots of options, and many things that need to be taken into consideration. Have a Doc appt the beginning of next week, and so before I can plan on doing anything - need to see what he has to say. I went ahead and made an appt with a guidance counselor at the college to do some career testing - as I might decide to go back to school - and see what doors open up for me there.

I guess with so many things up in the air for me, now is the time for me to really focus in on God and what it is He has for me. I still have several things going on that I need to take care of - and probably will be heading out to meet with my friend next week, after the doc appt - and spend sometime with him.

Let me encourage each one of you to make sure that you take care of yourself - don't get to be 42 years old wondering what you are going to do with the rest of your life. In all honesty - I really don't care what it is that I will be doing, as long as it is what God wants me to do. Does that mean, I'm staying in Yakima - I don't know, does that mean that I am moving? I don't know - but even though I don't have all the answers, or even a few of the answers right now, I know THE ANSWER and He will never steer me in the wrong direction. Now it is time to get out the road map and let Him show me what road to take.

Just know that I love you all, and I am thankful for the friendships that God has cultivated in my life over the past years. May God bless all of you richly. Walking with my hand in the Kings, S

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Emotional Word Picture

I really had a rough morning today - trying to deal with all the emotions that came crashing in on me yesterday. I tried to call several friends first, but it seemed like all I got were answering machines - so I gave in and made a call to my counselor.

As I expressed my frustrations with the entire "family" situation and then the anger that I was feeling with myself for letting it affect me yesterday - he was very patient with me. Then he asked me to tell him how I was feeling by using a word picture. I got mad at him - what do "word pictures" have to do with my feelings - but after talking for over an hour he convinced me that it would be very beneficial for me to start doing this.

I am not sure that I will be any good at this, but some people tell me that I have a gift in this area - so here goes. He said he would be checking my blog tomorrow and won't talk to me again, until I have completed this assignment. LOL guess I can't put it off much more. Here goes:

A Hurricane: -The storm in my soul

I feel the storm coming - I can feel the churning deep inside of my stomach - what can I do to hold it off, what can I do to change it's course. Trying to look for every distraction possible, it seems like the winds are picking up - and it is becoming inevitable.

Now it is time to think of protection - will I be able to hold it together, I CAN'T let myself fall apart, I will seem weak - if not in the eyes of others, certainly in my own. I'm tired of the storms, I'm tired of having to rebuild what is left of my deteriorating self-esteem. Will the levies hold, can I hold the 'rain' at bay? Where can I go where I will be safe, at least for the time being, I need to be safe - I can think about damage control/rebuilding later - I just want to make sure that there is a later.

The winds are now howling, and the rain is making the rivers rise. My breathing become shallow, as I gulp often trying to hold the tears at bay. The levies are holding as I bear down, squeezing my eyes closed - praying that I can somewhere gain my composure again. I slowly open my eyes, as the rivers slowly and silently course down my cheeks - if the storm subsides, I will be able to do this. I head for safety, can I make it? The winds continue to howl, my emotions are rolling 100 mph - and I feel as the walls slowly crumbling.

Where is my safe place? I can't find it - all at once it seems the eye of the storm is directly above me - the calm, the eerie peace, it seems unreal. It seems to settle there for a while - but under the cover of darkness - several hours later it moves, and the storm howls unmercilessly. This time I know the levies won't hold - maybe if I open the spillways, I can save what is left of the levies. Under the cover of darkness, alone in my room, I don't have to worry about what other people think. As the tears fall in massive proportions, the tension slowly eases up - the winds slow down. Before I know it, my body is relaxing, and the tension is gone - maybe the Hurricane is past. Hopefully this season will be a slow one - and I will be able to get through it with very little damage. Except for some water damage, I was able to salvage most of my self esteem through this storm.

So I guess until the next storm hits, I will continue to walk, hanging on to the hand of the King. S

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I HATE!!! crying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I absolutely hate it when my emotions betray me!!!!!!!!!!!

I so want to be in control and it is so frustrating when I feel blind-sided by something. Today Kim and I went and spent a little time at the mall - something I do Not do often. As we were walking around, my eye was drawn to a children's clothing store - and some really cute outfits. Automatically - I think it is the "auto-pilot" in me - kicked on and I had to go look. E's birthday is in less than a month - and with summer coming - I thought dresses for the 'girls'.

I am not joking when I say that within 2 minutes of entering the store - my emotions hit full force. As I hurried to get out of there, I just about knocked Kim over - she not knowing what was going on, looked like what is wrong with you. I told her I just had to get out of there. Once out of the store, I headed up the corridor - only to be greeted by gymboree and the Gap for Kids.

I hate this, I absolutely hate this. They know what those girls mean to me, and they are so willing to use them as pawns - how low can you get?????????? My heart is breaking so bad - and there isn't anything I can do about it.

I know I scared the lady when I walked in to a "fat" store, as I was just trying to get the tears under control.

I know that God gave us emotions for a reason, and that the scriptures say that He saves our tears, but I have cried so many stinking tears these past 2 1/2 months, He can fill an ocean. And I HATE crying. I just want the insanity to stop. If it doesn't stop soon, I won't be able to stay in Yakima, because my heart just won't last. I mean here I am almost 2,500 miles away and a little girl's dress sends me to blubbering.

I remember the years that I spent, never crying, built the walls so high, no one could get in, and I couldn't see out at what I was missing. On days like today - that seems like paradise.

I am not sure what I am supposed to be learning through these lessons, but for now I am doing the best I can, hanging on to His hand, as I walk with the King. S

Monday, May 18, 2009

Which Road to Take

I sit here this morning with lots and lots on my mind. So many decisions to be made in the next couple of weeks, and I find that I am really floundering.

This frame of mind is something that started several weeks ago, after a blow-up with my mom - and seems like there are more and more “ingredients” thrown in the soup, to make my decisions even more difficult.

In the last week I have been able to re-connect with a long lost friend, and she has been able to give me some very sage advice. She said “Screw everyone and do what you need to do to take care of you!” We talked on the phone for almost 4 hours, laughing, crying, and just getting caught up on what is going on with each other. Our paths through life have taken almost the same turns with some minor differences and one very major one - but I will save that for a future blog. I laugh because when she is frustrated, she wants to become Rip Van Winkle and leave civilization for 100 years, and I just want to pack up and go where no one knows me and start over. Work at a little diner, go home to my cat at night, and I don’t even like cats. LOL Even though the ideas are very different - the concept is exactly the same. Get away and see if you can do things differently the next time around.

As I was attending a college Graduation this past weekend, the keynote speaker was Louis Gossett Jr. and he made a statement that made me think. He said “You be all you can be, so that I can be all that I can be”. I truly enjoyed his commencement address and was privileged enough to be able to tell him so afterwards, in person. But, after much thought, I don’t think I can agree totally with that statement. Maybe it is because it gives to much power to others actions on the outcome of my life - I don’t know. Yes, I realize that we need people - but to many times in my life, I stopped doing something, or started doing something because of other people - and only hurt myself, or came to resent it. There are some instances where that statement is true - the scriptures say “As Iron sharpens Iron, so one man sharpens another.” and with this statement I agree, but for the most part, I am not going to wait for you to get your act together, so that I can work on getting my act together. I’m going to work on getting it together now.

So now I get to make so many new decisions. Our family structure has changed greatly over the last several years and will be doing a major change again in the next couple of months. For the majority of the last 10 years, I have been the daughter close to home, and very willing and able to help Mom and Dad out whenever needed. There were times that I was “reminded” that was the eldest daughters “job” - and since I was single - even more so. Almost 3 years ago, my sister and her family moved back to Yakima, and early this year, had to move back in with my parents - because of financial issues. Now, in the next few weeks, the youngest of my 2 brothers, along with his 7 year old son, will be moving from North Carolina back to Washington - and will also live with my parents until they can get established and get Michael into school this fall. So all that goes through my mind is where do I fit into this picture. My sister is now at home, and she should be the one that helps my parents - after all she is right there. My brother will be right there, and he can help my dad do the things that need to be done outside, and with the house, etc. Maybe I am feeling a little out of sorts, because now mom’s “perfect daughter - complete with her 2 children” and now “one of the boys” will be there. I have been “all things” for my folks the last 10 years, and now almost feel like I’m not needed anymore, not sure where I fit in.

Sooooooooo - in these last few weeks I have had some very interesting things brought up to me, and just completely out of the blue. I had a friend call me up about 10 days ago and offer me a job. He doesn’t know what is going on in my family - but is in need of a cook in his restaurant and thought of me. In some ways this would be an awesome opportunity and something I would absolutely love to do (work the morning shift, walk on the beach every afternoon - what’s not to like about that) -and still be close enough to home (5 hours) for Marilyn, and also if something major happened with mom and dad, but far enough away - to “start Over”. I have some “HUGE” red flags with this also, and so I don’t think this is what God wants me to do. Another thing that happened in the last couple of weeks, is a good friend of mine called me up and basically proposed to me. We have been friends for several years, have fun together, but I have never thought of him in a “boyfriend” role. He during one of our phone conversations - thank God it wasn’t across a table - he said “Sandy, I would like you to pray about something” and then proceeded to tell me that he has developed some really strong feelings for me and would like to marry me. Maybe I am a romantic - but for some reason, this is not the way I envisioned a relationship with “my future husband” to start. Don’t get me wrong - I am praying about it, and haven’t had any major “con’s” come up, but there isn't any 'spark' either, and so am waiting on God to show me what to do. When I return from the East Coast, I will probably be making a quick trip to where he lives, to spend a little time with him - and go see his pastor. I also have the invitation from friends back here (East Coast) to move here and I could easily get a job here - but I have to keep Marilyn in mind. I love taking care of people ie my current job, but maybe it is time to start taking care of me.

The scripture in Proverbs tells me to Lean not on my own understanding and in my ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct my paths. Guess I have so so much more praying to do. I don’t want to get ahead of God, but I have to honestly say that there are times that I feel like somewhere He has forgotten about me and my dreams. So I will learn to be patient a little longer, seek Him a little more diligently - and watch and see what He has in store. - As I walk with the King, sandy

Sunday, May 17, 2009

The power of laughter

We just returned from Boston, and a wonderful young lady's graduation. During this time, I was blessed with meeting more of Kim and Karyn's family - as the majority of us camped during this 4 day event. Now I had met many of these family members before, but this weekend was something else. We laughed and laughed and laughed, until my head hurt.

We all cooked together, ate together, played games, sat around the campfire, etc - and just enjoyed the weekend together - and most of all we laughed. The truly neat thing about this, is age was NOT a factor - the young to the old spent time together, enjoying each other's company.

The scriptures say that laughter is a strong medicine - and I truly believe that - so this past weekend, I must have had millions of endorphines released into my body to attack all the "stuff" that isn't supposed to be there.

This weekend stirred up a lot of other emotions, and I will have to sort those out and write about them at a later date - so for now, I need to go and find the Tylenol - because my head still hurts.

Let me challenge each person who reads this, find something to do, with someone you love, that will lead you to laughing. It is an awesome feeling. But........... those of you without a strong bladder, you better put on the Depends first - because indulging in long rounds of unadulterated laughter might lead to bladder leakage ;).

Love to you all,
walking with the King, Sandy

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Tonight I sit here frustrated and hurting. It is interesting how things just seem to fall together at the same time.

Last night at BSF, we were talking about how God set boundaries for the Israelites, for their protection - and He does the same thing for us. I guess I was hit square between the eyes, that I haven't been really good at setting boundaries when it has come to friends and family - and when there are no boundaries, people get hurt. They feel used, they feel abused. And actually the only person that they can blame is themselves, because they didn't set boundaries. Boundaries are good for us, they are a protection for all people involved. But why is it so hard to set them, and even more hard to stick with them.

Today has been another "hellish day" for me, and it just seem to come back to setting boundaries. I have not set those boundaries, and end up getting walked on, used and hurt. But that isn't God's will for my life, or for anyone else's either for that matter. I guess I felt that when it came to my family and my friends, they would love me enough - not to hurt me - to respect the person that I am - but you know what even friends and family are human - and even though they love me, they will hurt me.

If I would have set boundaries a long time ago - I wouldn't be dealing with the garbage I am right now. So as hard as it is - I'm setting the boundaries, I am protecting myself, I am standing up for myself - and not allowing people to use me. I have to laugh, I am good enough to use my contacts (people) I know to help them out, my pocketbook (I guess if it is "green" anyone would be willing to accept it) but yet not good enough to be respected.

A good friend told me once: That which you tolerate will not change. I have tolerated a lot from my family and my friends. First time shame on you, second third and fourth time, shame on me.
As hard as it is I have to do this, so that my life isn't ruled by resentment. Kind of like the old adage about placing expectations on people, because you will be the one disappointed, and the other person won't have a clue what the problem is.

Another friend of mine is dealing with some of the same issues in her family (BOUNDARIES)- and as I try to encourage her, I look in the mirror and ask myself why I can't take my own advice. I am not an ATM, built in babysitter, jack of all trades, caregiver, doormat - for my family and friends. It is God's will for my life that I make myself available to do the things He commands me to do, not what everyone else thinks I should do.

I have a feeling that I am going to be dealing with some rough roads and lonely nights ahead - but you know what, once those boundaries are set - it can only improve the relationships. And like a wonderful lady told me today - if my family and friends aren't willing to respect those boundaries, and be respectful of me, then I have to move on because there are plenty of people out there who will be more than willing to step into those positions.

I am so glad that in the midst of pain, God has sent me wonderful people to encourage me today - not even knowing what is going on. God is so awesome, and I am so glad that He sets boundaries to protect me and my spirit. I just need to remain in them.

To those of you who are my friends and family, who read this, I truly hope that you love me enough to respect me in my decisions about my life. I know there will be a few rough roads, but if we truly treat each other the way God wants us to, with respect and walking in love, we will make it. I do love all of you - but have to start loving myself enough to stand up for me.

If you struggle with boundaries, I encourage you to set some to protect yourself, and be all that God wants you to be.

Just a few thoughts as I walk with the King, s