Saturday, November 21, 2009


Tonight, I am frustrated as I write this, but can't figure out what is going on inside of my head, so I will try to explain as best as possible.

Why is it that, I am told, that I light up the room and make people feel good about themselves, but yet don't like the person that I see in the mirror - or the person that looks out of my soul?

I am told, that I make people laugh and bring so much joy - but yet on the outside the laughter sounds hollow, because inside my heart cries continually.

How is it that people come to me for all kinds of advice, and see me as "wise" but my own personal life sits around me in disarray and ruin?

Why is it that I can help people cross "the bar" into the eternal, with full confidence and peace, but the inside of my soul is constant turmoil and far from peaceful?

Why is it that I can sit and pray with people, and watch the answers come for them, but when I bow my head in prayer for myself - I feel that my prayers are just bouncing off of heaven.

The only word that comes to me is INADEQUATE. There have been times in my life where that is what I have been told, that I was inadequate - would never quite measure up. Have I become a self-fulfilling prophecy to all these people?

As I was reading the Guidepost devotional to a dear dear friend of mine, one of the stories was about when we don't understand God's plan for our life, and things don't seem to make sense. It was everything that I could do, not to tear up and start crying right there - and really worry her. I have to be honest in saying that I truly don't understand God's plan for my life. The scriptures say that if we seek Him with all our heart, He will grant us the desires of our heart. Now I could get all theological here and talk about the desires and how they have to line up with His Perfect Will for my life, etc - but I don't want to do that. I guess I just want to know why I struggle so in so many areas of life and want to know when my desires are going to be granted.

I know that I have so much to be Thankful for, but yet there seems to be so much in my life that seems to be unfulfilled. The hurts tonight seem so great, and I'm so frustrated, so tired of being frustrated and in all honesty, I guess I am tired of trying to be optomistic. Not sure where to go, or what to feel at this point. Because all I seem to be feeling is Inadequate. Put that one on my tombstone I guess.

Saturday, October 17, 2009


I just feel the need to write tonight about how truly blessed I am. I guess maybe after spending the afternoon with a wonderful couple who was passing through Yaki-Vegas today, it made me realize that in the midst of all of the "crap", I have many blessings in my life.

I had to laugh, when they called this morning and said they were coming through, on their way to Wenatchee, could I meet them for an early dinner? I haven't seen them in almost 2 years, so it would have taken something pretty major to keep me from spending a couple of hours with them. We laughed, and cried together reminding each other of the stupid things we did in college, and remembering a friend, that has since gone on to meet Jesus. It was a great afternoon. All of a sudden he had to run out to the car and grab something - returning with a birthday present for me. Now granted my birthday was in August, but I wasn't going to turn it down. They had decided, for some odd reason, to get me a camera - they said it was because of all of my travels, and how I don't post any pics on-line, so I must not have a very good one. Well now, I am in trouble, because I'm not very "tech saavy" so I better get learning before my next trip.

The colors are changing beautiful in town here, so maybe I will practice here in the next few weeks.

Despite all the negative that seems to surround my life right now, I have to sit back and smile. satan hasn't won, and he isn't going to because I am to blessed to be stressed. I guess if we really look around, we can find someone who is having a worse time than we are - and need to be thankful for what God has blessed us with.

So to those of you who are stress in my life - GO AWAY, and to those of you who are major blessings - Thank you for being part of my life. Big hugs to you.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

It's been a long time

It has been a long time since I blogged, and so I decided that I should at least update what is going on in life.

My bro-in-law has now moved back east again - away from the "hicks" and Angie and the girls are heading back there within a couple of weeks. I can't believe the amount of stress that has been relieved off my parents with having him out of the house. It will be really really hard to see the girls go, because we know that unless something drastic happens, it will be a long long time before we get to see them again. I still can not believe that all this garbage has been going on since March. The only good thing is I have been "making" opportunities to spend with the girls, even if it is just for a few moments before they are wisked away so "Bad Aunt San" can't influence them in a "horrible" way. My heart broke when E told me that she was told that she has an Aunt Andie and doesn't need an Aunt Sandy. I was quick to remind her that no matter what anyone says, I will always need an E in my life. M is awesome in making sure that she gets her hugs whenever I get to see them. She doesn't care what anyone says, she is going to get her hugs. I worry a little about how my folks will do without the girls here, as they just add so much joy to their lives - but we can't control the stupid things people do.

The one thing that will help make this transition easier is the fact that one of my brothers has moved home, with his son. Steve is a single dad - and so Michael loves having "girls" around. He will really miss E and M - and we laugh at how they all fight like brothers and sisters. He gives great hugs, and so that helps with Aunt San's need for kids also.

I am amazed at how much peace, I have had this past month, about this whole situation. I have done absolutely everything that I know how to do, to make it right - and am still met with blatant silence from my sister. As much as I worry about her and the girls safety as they move 3,000 miles away again, God reminds me that He loves them more than I ever can, and I need to trust Him. I love my sister, but am really disappointed in the way she has conducted herself in this entire situation - but it is amazing how someone can be controlled by someone else, even from many miles away. I just had hoped that she would have wised up these past few weeks. I just keep praying though.

But I am excited as Vacation time is approaching fast, and I am so thankful to God for providing some awesome prices so we can have some fun. Rosie is coming to visit for 2 weeks, she hasn't been here for 3 years, so it is about time. We are going to be taking in a Mariners Game, going to Victoria - BC, and Going to the Grand Canyon. Our off days will be spent at a wonderful friends cabin in the mountain - sitting by the river, and watching the wildlife.

Okay, so that is my quick update and life. Have a great one - and big hugs to each and everyone of you.

Walking with the King, Sandy

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Another Year

As I sit here, contemplating yet another year, I am going to ask for some creative license here, for a time of ranting and raving. If you don’t want to hear it, please sign off of the blog now, because today I am going to make it about me - guess I am entitled to do that because after all it is MY birthday.
Once again, I am reminded about life is all about - or maybe not all about, but we place entirely to much importance on it. I have been on this earth 43 years - and today am feeling very much that of a failure in many aspects of my life. Why is it that nothing seems to be going the way I had hoped and dreamed it would be? I am trusting God to continue to show me the areas in my life that I need to work on - as HE makes me into all HE has for me.
The one thing that I am really noticing a lot is that of “religious hypocrisy” and I don’t want that to be the moniker of my life. Why is it, that so many “religious” people are out there shoving their religion down other people’s throat. Please note that I am using the word “religious/religion” rather than Christian. In doing this, I am making a conscious decision to include lots of different nationalities/religions.
My faith is very important to me, but does that give me the right to beat someone else up with it? Does that give me permission to always shove it down your throat? I am surprised how many people think that they have the moral necessity to do these things. We have people blowing up others, because of their faith. Maybe I am becoming to critical of “religion” as a whole - I don’t know. I don’t care what faith you might be - but I would hope that your faith beckons you into a deeper walk with God (or your higher power) and in doing this, it challenges you to be a better person. To walk in such a way - that at the end of the day - you know that God is pleased with you, that you have made the world a little better place just by being in it.
The last 6 months have been extremely hard for me. I have had to examine a lot of things in my life, in light of my faith. The scripture of removing the speck out of my neighbor’s eye while having a log in mine, really has taken on a new meaning. It seems like I have been “beaten up” with scriptures over a “lack of good judgment because I loved someone” - but yet no matter what I do - it doesn’t get better. Supposedly I have been “forgiven” but yet the stupidity of the situation goes on. I guess that they feel they have the right to stand in judgment of me, while not looking in the mirror to see what things they have done wrong in this situation. They expect everyone to walk in grace with them, but yet are unwilling to extend even just a fraction of that grace to someone else.
As I step into this next year - I want my faith to become the most important thing to me - but not to use as a tool to beat others up - but as a way to be beneficial to those around me. I want people to be able to see that there is something truly different about me, something that spurs them on to being a better person - helping those around. I want to know that I have made people smile - cheered someone up - encouraged someone to not give up - and all of that will only be able if I allow my faith to make a difference in my life.
Even if nothing else in my life comes together in this next year, in the way that I hope it does, I pray that God will continue to show me the ways, in my life, that I can give up my “religion” and move on to a deeper faith. A walk that would help me make my world a better place, and not another thing to make people say - “If that is what Christianity is all about, I want nothing to do with it.”

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The anatomy of a sandwich

I remember, as a child, watching my little sister make a sandwich. It was not just slapping a couple pieces of bread together, but she made it an art form. Everything had to be just "so". She would experiment with different "styles" of sandwiches, many of which just made us laugh - No salt and pepper sandwich for me, and why anyone would want to spend an hour slicing carrots and celery to arrange on a sandwich is beyond me.

This last Sunday I was on the road and decided to opt for a Sandwich, for my lunch and headed into the local Subway. Needless to say - I watched a perfectionist make the sandwich in front of me, but I got a person, who "it was just a paycheck".

As I was heading down the road eating my sandwich - I was amazed at how my thoughts were turned to God - all because of a sandwich - and it actually took me down two different lines of thought.

Line 1: Our salvation is like a sandwich. It starts with God (Bread) and after that - it is up to us to decide how detailed or simple our relationship with Him is going to be. Some people are looking for the simple PB & J, while others go all out for the "Dagwood". I guess I am one of the ones that settles somewhere in the middle. There are days all I want is the PB & J - because it is simple - I know God, He knows me, and that is the way I get through the day - I don't want it complicated with doctrine, or other people's philosophies of life. But usually I want a little more substance to my walk. I want the Meat and Cheese of His Word, and I am even willing to pay for the double meat at times, just so that I am "full" afterwards. And I want the extras - I want the fruits of the Spirit so that I can enjoy the blessings that God has for me - I mean what is a sandwich without lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, cucumbers, green peppers and olives? If I can ask for that on my sandwich, why am I so afraid to go after Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Goodness, Kindness, etc , in my spiritual life.

I'm not real sure about going after the "Dagwood". I've had one of those in my life, and I just about chocked to death. I guess in my spiritual walk, I like the little steps, the little extras that I can get used to before adding more. I certainly don't like to be force fed, and so taking my walk at my pace seems so much more fulfilling and satisfying than trying to chock down everything at once. Just one line of thought.

Line 2: I was a little disappointed in my sandwich on Sunday because the gal that made it didn't do a real good job - each one of the ends for about 1/2 to 3/4 of an inch had absolutely nothing on them, and I ended up not eating them - probably good for my waistline, but when you buy the whole sandwich - HEY.
But then again, God brought an idea to my mind. What is the best part of the sandwich? For me it is the very center part. I always like to have the sandwich maker cut my sandwich into 3 parts. I eat the ends first and save the center for last. Usually it has the most "stuff" and the bread is soft and for me, that is just the best part of the sandwich. You know, if we get ahead of God or even don't keep up with Him - there is waste, and our life can seem a little bland or dry. But when we are in the center of His Will, we truly get the "best" part. It is the most fulfilling, and there is no waste. You know there is just something about children and having the crusts cut off the sandwich, they want the soft "good" part. I need to be more like that in my walk - seeking to be in the Center of His Will - focusing on the quality of my relationship with Him and not just having the quantity.

I pay for a foot long - and only eat 8 inches - Hmmmm I wonder if there would be away to have them make me a foot long sandwich on only 6 inches of bread - could be the best of both worlds. And in that same thought - I am going to start focusing on the Center of His Will for my life and let go of the past, and not worry about the future. I think then my spirit will enjoy the "fullness of the Spirit" more often then.

Just a few of my thoughts as I walk with the King, S

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Let's get Technical

My "excuse" in life has always been - I'm just a farm kid. Well this week I did something completely out of character and I kind of like it.

Knowing that I was in need of a cell phone check-up - I headed to US Cellular. I have always had the philosophy - A phone is a PHONE - I don't need a camera, a typewriter, a computer, a secretary - or any of these other "options". Somewhere between my walking in the store and leaving the store, my philosophy changed :-) The young lady who helped me asked me some very pointed questions as to my life style and then presented several options to me. She laughed at me when I said I was just a farm kid but yet I travel with my mp-3, laptop, personal planner, and 2 cell phones. I think her tongue in cheek response was something about a farm kid usually travels with a couple chickens and a cow. We laughed lots during my 2 hours in the store, and I finally walked out with a cell phone, that has a camera, voice recorder, Qwerty keyboard, Internet access, 16 GB music capability with additional mini SD slot, GPS, and who knows what else is there that I haven't discovered yet. Now all of this wonderful technology is in a little box that measures about 2"x 5" and is bright green, and weighs less than a pound.

When I go on my long "vacations" I will probably still travel with my laptop - but I won't need quite as many "adapters" for all the other equiptment. I will definately be traveling lighter. And you know what really amazes me - I got all of this "stuff" and the ability to have access to to all the internet options for the same price as I was already paying for my existing plan.

I guess this Farm kid is stepping out and moving with the times. But for those of you who get a little excited about this prospect, just know it is going to take a lot more effort to get me out of my jeans and tennis shoes ;).

I guess progress is beneficial and so as I move into the "technical world" I will have fun learning what I now hold in my hand. I think somewhere I read that I can actually go to my blog on there, so who knows maybe one day - I will post my blog from my cell phone also. As one of my good friends said "Who would have thunk it". There is hope for me yet. LOL

I guess what I am learning is yes a phone is a phone, but we never have to be scared of moving forward with the times as long as we do it in the right way.

I guess I will keep my mind open to some of these options, as I hold the King hand. Sandy

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Time to get serious

I am back home again, and home for a while. I'm not really sure when my next "trip/vacation" will be and so I am trying to figure out what to do with my life next.

There are lots of options, and many things that need to be taken into consideration. Have a Doc appt the beginning of next week, and so before I can plan on doing anything - need to see what he has to say. I went ahead and made an appt with a guidance counselor at the college to do some career testing - as I might decide to go back to school - and see what doors open up for me there.

I guess with so many things up in the air for me, now is the time for me to really focus in on God and what it is He has for me. I still have several things going on that I need to take care of - and probably will be heading out to meet with my friend next week, after the doc appt - and spend sometime with him.

Let me encourage each one of you to make sure that you take care of yourself - don't get to be 42 years old wondering what you are going to do with the rest of your life. In all honesty - I really don't care what it is that I will be doing, as long as it is what God wants me to do. Does that mean, I'm staying in Yakima - I don't know, does that mean that I am moving? I don't know - but even though I don't have all the answers, or even a few of the answers right now, I know THE ANSWER and He will never steer me in the wrong direction. Now it is time to get out the road map and let Him show me what road to take.

Just know that I love you all, and I am thankful for the friendships that God has cultivated in my life over the past years. May God bless all of you richly. Walking with my hand in the Kings, S

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Emotional Word Picture

I really had a rough morning today - trying to deal with all the emotions that came crashing in on me yesterday. I tried to call several friends first, but it seemed like all I got were answering machines - so I gave in and made a call to my counselor.

As I expressed my frustrations with the entire "family" situation and then the anger that I was feeling with myself for letting it affect me yesterday - he was very patient with me. Then he asked me to tell him how I was feeling by using a word picture. I got mad at him - what do "word pictures" have to do with my feelings - but after talking for over an hour he convinced me that it would be very beneficial for me to start doing this.

I am not sure that I will be any good at this, but some people tell me that I have a gift in this area - so here goes. He said he would be checking my blog tomorrow and won't talk to me again, until I have completed this assignment. LOL guess I can't put it off much more. Here goes:

A Hurricane: -The storm in my soul

I feel the storm coming - I can feel the churning deep inside of my stomach - what can I do to hold it off, what can I do to change it's course. Trying to look for every distraction possible, it seems like the winds are picking up - and it is becoming inevitable.

Now it is time to think of protection - will I be able to hold it together, I CAN'T let myself fall apart, I will seem weak - if not in the eyes of others, certainly in my own. I'm tired of the storms, I'm tired of having to rebuild what is left of my deteriorating self-esteem. Will the levies hold, can I hold the 'rain' at bay? Where can I go where I will be safe, at least for the time being, I need to be safe - I can think about damage control/rebuilding later - I just want to make sure that there is a later.

The winds are now howling, and the rain is making the rivers rise. My breathing become shallow, as I gulp often trying to hold the tears at bay. The levies are holding as I bear down, squeezing my eyes closed - praying that I can somewhere gain my composure again. I slowly open my eyes, as the rivers slowly and silently course down my cheeks - if the storm subsides, I will be able to do this. I head for safety, can I make it? The winds continue to howl, my emotions are rolling 100 mph - and I feel as the walls slowly crumbling.

Where is my safe place? I can't find it - all at once it seems the eye of the storm is directly above me - the calm, the eerie peace, it seems unreal. It seems to settle there for a while - but under the cover of darkness - several hours later it moves, and the storm howls unmercilessly. This time I know the levies won't hold - maybe if I open the spillways, I can save what is left of the levies. Under the cover of darkness, alone in my room, I don't have to worry about what other people think. As the tears fall in massive proportions, the tension slowly eases up - the winds slow down. Before I know it, my body is relaxing, and the tension is gone - maybe the Hurricane is past. Hopefully this season will be a slow one - and I will be able to get through it with very little damage. Except for some water damage, I was able to salvage most of my self esteem through this storm.

So I guess until the next storm hits, I will continue to walk, hanging on to the hand of the King. S

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I HATE!!! crying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I absolutely hate it when my emotions betray me!!!!!!!!!!!

I so want to be in control and it is so frustrating when I feel blind-sided by something. Today Kim and I went and spent a little time at the mall - something I do Not do often. As we were walking around, my eye was drawn to a children's clothing store - and some really cute outfits. Automatically - I think it is the "auto-pilot" in me - kicked on and I had to go look. E's birthday is in less than a month - and with summer coming - I thought dresses for the 'girls'.

I am not joking when I say that within 2 minutes of entering the store - my emotions hit full force. As I hurried to get out of there, I just about knocked Kim over - she not knowing what was going on, looked like what is wrong with you. I told her I just had to get out of there. Once out of the store, I headed up the corridor - only to be greeted by gymboree and the Gap for Kids.

I hate this, I absolutely hate this. They know what those girls mean to me, and they are so willing to use them as pawns - how low can you get?????????? My heart is breaking so bad - and there isn't anything I can do about it.

I know I scared the lady when I walked in to a "fat" store, as I was just trying to get the tears under control.

I know that God gave us emotions for a reason, and that the scriptures say that He saves our tears, but I have cried so many stinking tears these past 2 1/2 months, He can fill an ocean. And I HATE crying. I just want the insanity to stop. If it doesn't stop soon, I won't be able to stay in Yakima, because my heart just won't last. I mean here I am almost 2,500 miles away and a little girl's dress sends me to blubbering.

I remember the years that I spent, never crying, built the walls so high, no one could get in, and I couldn't see out at what I was missing. On days like today - that seems like paradise.

I am not sure what I am supposed to be learning through these lessons, but for now I am doing the best I can, hanging on to His hand, as I walk with the King. S

Monday, May 18, 2009

Which Road to Take

I sit here this morning with lots and lots on my mind. So many decisions to be made in the next couple of weeks, and I find that I am really floundering.

This frame of mind is something that started several weeks ago, after a blow-up with my mom - and seems like there are more and more “ingredients” thrown in the soup, to make my decisions even more difficult.

In the last week I have been able to re-connect with a long lost friend, and she has been able to give me some very sage advice. She said “Screw everyone and do what you need to do to take care of you!” We talked on the phone for almost 4 hours, laughing, crying, and just getting caught up on what is going on with each other. Our paths through life have taken almost the same turns with some minor differences and one very major one - but I will save that for a future blog. I laugh because when she is frustrated, she wants to become Rip Van Winkle and leave civilization for 100 years, and I just want to pack up and go where no one knows me and start over. Work at a little diner, go home to my cat at night, and I don’t even like cats. LOL Even though the ideas are very different - the concept is exactly the same. Get away and see if you can do things differently the next time around.

As I was attending a college Graduation this past weekend, the keynote speaker was Louis Gossett Jr. and he made a statement that made me think. He said “You be all you can be, so that I can be all that I can be”. I truly enjoyed his commencement address and was privileged enough to be able to tell him so afterwards, in person. But, after much thought, I don’t think I can agree totally with that statement. Maybe it is because it gives to much power to others actions on the outcome of my life - I don’t know. Yes, I realize that we need people - but to many times in my life, I stopped doing something, or started doing something because of other people - and only hurt myself, or came to resent it. There are some instances where that statement is true - the scriptures say “As Iron sharpens Iron, so one man sharpens another.” and with this statement I agree, but for the most part, I am not going to wait for you to get your act together, so that I can work on getting my act together. I’m going to work on getting it together now.

So now I get to make so many new decisions. Our family structure has changed greatly over the last several years and will be doing a major change again in the next couple of months. For the majority of the last 10 years, I have been the daughter close to home, and very willing and able to help Mom and Dad out whenever needed. There were times that I was “reminded” that was the eldest daughters “job” - and since I was single - even more so. Almost 3 years ago, my sister and her family moved back to Yakima, and early this year, had to move back in with my parents - because of financial issues. Now, in the next few weeks, the youngest of my 2 brothers, along with his 7 year old son, will be moving from North Carolina back to Washington - and will also live with my parents until they can get established and get Michael into school this fall. So all that goes through my mind is where do I fit into this picture. My sister is now at home, and she should be the one that helps my parents - after all she is right there. My brother will be right there, and he can help my dad do the things that need to be done outside, and with the house, etc. Maybe I am feeling a little out of sorts, because now mom’s “perfect daughter - complete with her 2 children” and now “one of the boys” will be there. I have been “all things” for my folks the last 10 years, and now almost feel like I’m not needed anymore, not sure where I fit in.

Sooooooooo - in these last few weeks I have had some very interesting things brought up to me, and just completely out of the blue. I had a friend call me up about 10 days ago and offer me a job. He doesn’t know what is going on in my family - but is in need of a cook in his restaurant and thought of me. In some ways this would be an awesome opportunity and something I would absolutely love to do (work the morning shift, walk on the beach every afternoon - what’s not to like about that) -and still be close enough to home (5 hours) for Marilyn, and also if something major happened with mom and dad, but far enough away - to “start Over”. I have some “HUGE” red flags with this also, and so I don’t think this is what God wants me to do. Another thing that happened in the last couple of weeks, is a good friend of mine called me up and basically proposed to me. We have been friends for several years, have fun together, but I have never thought of him in a “boyfriend” role. He during one of our phone conversations - thank God it wasn’t across a table - he said “Sandy, I would like you to pray about something” and then proceeded to tell me that he has developed some really strong feelings for me and would like to marry me. Maybe I am a romantic - but for some reason, this is not the way I envisioned a relationship with “my future husband” to start. Don’t get me wrong - I am praying about it, and haven’t had any major “con’s” come up, but there isn't any 'spark' either, and so am waiting on God to show me what to do. When I return from the East Coast, I will probably be making a quick trip to where he lives, to spend a little time with him - and go see his pastor. I also have the invitation from friends back here (East Coast) to move here and I could easily get a job here - but I have to keep Marilyn in mind. I love taking care of people ie my current job, but maybe it is time to start taking care of me.

The scripture in Proverbs tells me to Lean not on my own understanding and in my ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct my paths. Guess I have so so much more praying to do. I don’t want to get ahead of God, but I have to honestly say that there are times that I feel like somewhere He has forgotten about me and my dreams. So I will learn to be patient a little longer, seek Him a little more diligently - and watch and see what He has in store. - As I walk with the King, sandy

Sunday, May 17, 2009

The power of laughter

We just returned from Boston, and a wonderful young lady's graduation. During this time, I was blessed with meeting more of Kim and Karyn's family - as the majority of us camped during this 4 day event. Now I had met many of these family members before, but this weekend was something else. We laughed and laughed and laughed, until my head hurt.

We all cooked together, ate together, played games, sat around the campfire, etc - and just enjoyed the weekend together - and most of all we laughed. The truly neat thing about this, is age was NOT a factor - the young to the old spent time together, enjoying each other's company.

The scriptures say that laughter is a strong medicine - and I truly believe that - so this past weekend, I must have had millions of endorphines released into my body to attack all the "stuff" that isn't supposed to be there.

This weekend stirred up a lot of other emotions, and I will have to sort those out and write about them at a later date - so for now, I need to go and find the Tylenol - because my head still hurts.

Let me challenge each person who reads this, find something to do, with someone you love, that will lead you to laughing. It is an awesome feeling. But........... those of you without a strong bladder, you better put on the Depends first - because indulging in long rounds of unadulterated laughter might lead to bladder leakage ;).

Love to you all,
walking with the King, Sandy

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Tonight I sit here frustrated and hurting. It is interesting how things just seem to fall together at the same time.

Last night at BSF, we were talking about how God set boundaries for the Israelites, for their protection - and He does the same thing for us. I guess I was hit square between the eyes, that I haven't been really good at setting boundaries when it has come to friends and family - and when there are no boundaries, people get hurt. They feel used, they feel abused. And actually the only person that they can blame is themselves, because they didn't set boundaries. Boundaries are good for us, they are a protection for all people involved. But why is it so hard to set them, and even more hard to stick with them.

Today has been another "hellish day" for me, and it just seem to come back to setting boundaries. I have not set those boundaries, and end up getting walked on, used and hurt. But that isn't God's will for my life, or for anyone else's either for that matter. I guess I felt that when it came to my family and my friends, they would love me enough - not to hurt me - to respect the person that I am - but you know what even friends and family are human - and even though they love me, they will hurt me.

If I would have set boundaries a long time ago - I wouldn't be dealing with the garbage I am right now. So as hard as it is - I'm setting the boundaries, I am protecting myself, I am standing up for myself - and not allowing people to use me. I have to laugh, I am good enough to use my contacts (people) I know to help them out, my pocketbook (I guess if it is "green" anyone would be willing to accept it) but yet not good enough to be respected.

A good friend told me once: That which you tolerate will not change. I have tolerated a lot from my family and my friends. First time shame on you, second third and fourth time, shame on me.
As hard as it is I have to do this, so that my life isn't ruled by resentment. Kind of like the old adage about placing expectations on people, because you will be the one disappointed, and the other person won't have a clue what the problem is.

Another friend of mine is dealing with some of the same issues in her family (BOUNDARIES)- and as I try to encourage her, I look in the mirror and ask myself why I can't take my own advice. I am not an ATM, built in babysitter, jack of all trades, caregiver, doormat - for my family and friends. It is God's will for my life that I make myself available to do the things He commands me to do, not what everyone else thinks I should do.

I have a feeling that I am going to be dealing with some rough roads and lonely nights ahead - but you know what, once those boundaries are set - it can only improve the relationships. And like a wonderful lady told me today - if my family and friends aren't willing to respect those boundaries, and be respectful of me, then I have to move on because there are plenty of people out there who will be more than willing to step into those positions.

I am so glad that in the midst of pain, God has sent me wonderful people to encourage me today - not even knowing what is going on. God is so awesome, and I am so glad that He sets boundaries to protect me and my spirit. I just need to remain in them.

To those of you who are my friends and family, who read this, I truly hope that you love me enough to respect me in my decisions about my life. I know there will be a few rough roads, but if we truly treat each other the way God wants us to, with respect and walking in love, we will make it. I do love all of you - but have to start loving myself enough to stand up for me.

If you struggle with boundaries, I encourage you to set some to protect yourself, and be all that God wants you to be.

Just a few thoughts as I walk with the King, s

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Back to the Real World

Well, vacation time is over, and it is time to get back to the real world.

I have lots of decisions that I need to make in this next month. Our family structure is changing drastically and so I now get to set new boundaries and actually figure out what my role is going to be.

I have been the primary person, available to help my folks, but with the family structure changing, I now have the opportunity to decide to what extent I want to be available.

Is it time for me to think about getting a "real" job? In getting a "real" job, do I have the ability to think about relocating? I know that in the next few weeks, I need to do alot of praying and hopefully God will tell me what I need to do. I will also spend time talking with my folks, to help assess what they think their needs will be and to what extent they will need my help. I also have a Dr's appt scheduled for a complete physical at the end of the month, with minor things prior to that, so that we can see to what extent I can "dream".

I guess I am just at a point that I am thinking about me - please don't call me selfish - I've had that enough - but as more people come available to help, maybe I have the opportunity to do something for me. Maybe I can find a dream and go after it - maybe I can "get a life" as so many people tell me I need to do.

It will definately be an interesting month, filled with lots of decisions, lots of prayers for guidance, and hopefully being able to figure out what I am going to do with the "rest of my life." If you want to - I would appreciate the prayers of others.

Until the next post.....
walking with the King, s

Sunday, April 26, 2009

A reflection of who????????

Yesterday I had the wonderful experience of babysitting an awesome little boy. He is 1 yr, 3 months and a bundle of pure energy and joy. As he was running around the apartment, he became fascinated by the mirrors in the bedroom. I had to smile as he would go by them, and at first give it just a minor glance, but as the time went on, he was standing there carrying out a full blown conversation with the little boy across from him. It was so funny - he would wave his hands, and just carry on, with no concept that it was his reflection.

Today has been an interesting afternoon for me, lots going on in my brain. As I sat out on the waterfront watching the sun setting - I thought about the reflection of the sun on the ocean, and the mirror image it produced. It was really great. But then my thoughts turned to more spiritual things.

In Genesis 1:27 - it states that "God created man in his own image" - so if we were created in HIS image, we should be a reflection of Him. Unfortunately in our humanity we screw things up constantly and do not give off a really good reflection of the image that we were created in.

But I think that many years ago, Paul realized this, when he wrote in 1 Corinthians 13:12 "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face....". It seems like when I look in the mirror, I just see me, in all my failing humanity.

I can't wait until I look in the mirror, get excited the way that Joshua did, because there is a "different" person looking back at me - that being the image of Christ, until the day when I can actually see Him face to face.

I'm probably "preaching to the choir" so to speak, but I know for myself - I have a long long way to go. I'm just glad that He is patient with me. So until that day that I see Him face to face, I will strive to be a better reflection of Him. Anyone care to join me in the journey walking with the King?

Saturday, April 18, 2009

What's in a name?

The first gift you were ever given - was your name. What does your name say about you?

Recently, a friend of mine's daughter gave birth - and for about a week, they could not decide on the name that they wanted to give their beautiful little girl. Now I thought that was just weird, but then I started thinking about it - What is the first thing you do when you introduce yourself? You tell them your name. When you die - your name is synonymous with all your accomplishments. When I say the name Adolph Hitler - what picture is in your head, Or Albert Einstein, how about Ghandi, or Winston Churchill, Billy Graham. Their entire lives are wrapped up in their name. And what are some parents thinking when they name their children names like Benton Dover (Ben Dover) or Timothy Burr (Tim Burr). These are 2 people that I personally know, and wonder how can a parent do that to their child.

Now, I understand that society for some reason dictates what the popular names are - usually based on soap opera characters, or other TV 'reality' actors. Isn't it interesting that when our country turns up their noses to faith in God, yet many of the most popular names are those of people found in the Bible, or some form of it. Different cultures focus on certain names. In the Spanish culture you will find a lot of Jesus', but in the American culture you find that name used very little when nameing children.

So my question is this - do we really think about what we name our children. Many parents study the meaning of the names before they actually name their children. I found it interesting when I looked up the meaning of my name and my siblings names, and found that our personalities are very similar to what our names mean. I would hope that most parents would be willing to think about what they are "subjecting" their children to in the names that they are given.

You know, there is one more true importance in a name. And that has nothing to do with the reception of society here on earth. The Bible talks about in the end when we arrive in heaven, and where we spend eternity is dependent on our name, and whether it is written in the Lambs Book of Life.

Revelation 21:27 (The Message)
Nothing dirty or defiled will get into the City, and no one who defiles or deceives. Only those whose names are written in the Lamb's Book of Life will get in.

I can only hope that those of you who are having children, or involved in the naming of children - ie grandparents, god parents, aunts, uncles, close friend, etc. - are going to be active in making sure that those children know the importance of a personal relationship with Jesus. You give your children a gift in their name, but make sure that they know about the free gift that Father God gave in His Son, Jesus Christ, so we could have eternal life, because they might leave a name behind here on the earth, but eternity is a long time if your name isn't written down up there.

Just a few thoughts.
Walking with the King, s

A suitable helper

This morning, I sit here very frustrated. I guess I am wondering why it seems that life is passing me by - and with each passing day - it is one more day that I sit single. I think I am second guessing my decisions to be patient and wait for God to bring that “special someone” into my life. Now please don’t worry about me going out and doing something stupid, but I guess I wonder if I am not going about this the right way. Now please, I don’t want anyone reminding me about how blessed my life is, and if I was married I wouldn’t be able to do half the stuff that I do. I know all of that, and I am not lamenting my life as a whole - I just wished that I had someone to share life with.

You ask what has brought about these feelings this morning - well - I got an e-mail from my brother stating he was on his way in May to meet someone that he had met over the internet, and he is “in love”. Please don’t get me wrong - I am not against anyone finding love, but I guess I just wonder when it is going to happen for me. Now before any of you respond about E-harmony, and other dating sites - been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and bumper sticker. And it isn’t just a one time thing. I have been part of E-harmony a total of 2 years and the only thing I found, was that my wallet was a lot lighter. I have tried other sites also and they to, just seem to be a drain on the pocketbook. I have tried free sites, and to no avail there also - it seems like I intimidate a lot of men by being 42 and never married. I don’t even want to bring in the issue of spiritual maturity here.

Genesis 2:18 states “The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be
Alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

You know, I wouldn’t struggle with this so much if it wasn’t for something that God, himself, said. If it isn’t good for man, or woman, to be alone, then why isn’t God bringing my “helper”. I have lost count at the number of people that ask me why I am not married. My answer has always been, it isn’t that I haven’t met the person that I can spend the rest of my life with, I just haven’t met the person that I can’t live without. So is it time to change my “standards” so that I don’t spend the rest of my life alone.

I have a wonderful friend, who is now well in her 60’s and she always said, she would rather be a happy single than an unhappy bride. And I agree with her, but she also admits that she has never had the desire to be married. I love her to death, but I don’t want to be 65 my life consists only of church activities and taking care of everyone else. And frankly - I do have that desire to be married and have a family.

I don’t know, maybe this feeling today is just indigestion, and it will pass, but all I know is that it comes more and more often - and frankly I just wish that God would say “No Sandy - that isn’t the thing that I have for you” and then I could deal with the emotions and move on.
But until then I guess I will continue to keep on keeping on and trusting Him to know what He is doing. And if anyone has any “sensible” ideas - feel free to forward them on to me.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Power of Peer Pressure

The last couple of mornings I have had the opportunity to get up before the sun, here in Grand Cayman. It is currently Holy week here, and we have been having church at 6:00 each morning.
This morning I realized something. Usually when I head outside - it is still dark and the "resident" rooster is still asleep. I have been enjoying the quiet first thing in the mornings, as I am outside waiting for a friend to pick me up, so we can attend church together.

This morning, the neighbor guy was outside, ready to take a friend to the airport early - and as we were talking, I guess our resident rooster heard us talking - and started crowing - remind you that the sun is still yet not up. Within about 5 minutes, all over the area, you could hear the roosters crowing, but yet the sun is not up - so much for them being a great alarm clock. hahaha
It seemed like in a matter of minutes all you could hear were these crowing roosters, all over the immediate area.

One of the radio programs for children, here on the island, talks about the animals and how God made them. Coincidentally one of the programs last week was about roosters and how they, the roosters, are actually very very insecure. Now please don't ask me which psychologist interviewed the roosters to find out this amazing fact - but as they kept on talking about the roosters, it began to make sense. If you think about it a rooster doesn't do anything - and any predator animal, dog, cat, iguana, etc would very easily be able to kill them, they don't fly much and they don't run fast, and so God has given them this obnoxiously shrill crow - that scares everything off. They shared other traits about the rooster, but that crowing really stuck in my mind. At times it is ear piercing, and this morning I just wanted to tell them to shut up - they were ruining my peace and quiet. But the more I listened, the more fascinated I became - 1 rooster crowing - and within minutes I'm sure, as small as this island is, the roosters all over the island were crowing - how's that for giving in to peer pressure.

When my friend arrived, so that we could go to church together, during the drive she thanked me for going to church with her, because if I hadn't been here, she wasn't sure that she would have gotten up each morning to cross the island for just a 30 minute service. We talked about how Christians are to build one another us and the importance of it. After coming home and thinking about it a little more - you can think about some of these things when you are on vacation ;) - I realized that the scripture had lots to say about this.

Proverbs 27:17 (AMP) Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend [to show rage or worthy purpose].

1 Thessalonians 5:11Therefore encourage (admonish, exhort) one another and edify (strengthen and build up) one another, just as you are doing.

Hebrews 3:13But instead warn (admonish, urge, and encourage) one another every day, as long as it is called Today, that none of you may be hardened [into settled rebellion] by the deceitfulness of sin [by the fraudulence, the stratagem, the trickery which the delusive glamor of his sin may play on him.

As we claim to be Christians, my question becomes this - do we just give off a shrill sound to the world - in such a way that all they want to do is tell us to shut up, or are we truly encouraging one another onto bigger and more important things for the gospel of Christ - strengthening one another - so that the enemy can't sneak up and attack us.

I have a feeling that I am going to think about this sort of thing everytime I hear a rooster crow. I certainly hope that I don't sound like a rooster to those around me, but what comes from me, both verbal and non-verbal is beneficial to those around me. Just a thought for today - as I continue to walk with the King.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Are we not the Army of God?

I am surprised by how easily we adjust to our environments. While in the Cayman Islands, several of the places I have stayed, have been in the direct flight pattern of the airport, and so airplanes flying overhead, LOW, are the norm. Rosie asked me one day if I was able to take a nap with the planes going overhead and I said sure why not. I guess after the first couple planes, you learn to tune them out.

This last Sunday, the pastor was preaching on the story of David and Goliath. As we were reading the scriptures, something really caught my attention this time - 1 Samuel 17:26b states:
For who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?

This is what David asked after first encountering Goliath and hearing him spew his garbage against the Israelites, and their God.

I guess what makes me so frustrated is this: Are we not the armies of the Living God? Do we, those of us who claim to be Christians, actually realize that we are the armies of the Living God? And if we do realize this, why are we cowering back, much like the Israelites, when the world, around us, spews garbage all over our God? Have we become so “de-sensitized” to the garbage? This has really been on my heart the last couple days.

The last couple of days I have tried to keep track of language around me: people, TV, Radio, internet; the thoughts and views presented, through those same venues, etc - and am in many ways I have to admit I am shocked at how prevalent disrespect to God and Christianity in general is. There is a church that is actually considering making condoms available to their youth groups - what happened to teaching the scriptures, and not what society says is okay. When are we, God’s army, going to stand up and take back our culture and society to the beliefs that are benefical for our families and ultimately our place in eternity.

Much like I have become desensitized to the planes right over head, I have had to spend time in repentance for cowering back and let the enemy spew garbage against MY God. Please let us band together and stand up for what we know is right, regardless of the stand that society takes on it.

Philippians 4:8 (Amplified Bible)
For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them].

I think that we need to make sure that we think on, weigh, and take account for these things, but we also need to make sure that this is the standard for what we watch, listen to, ponder, and allow to filter into our homes, and our heads. Time that we stand up and take back our promised land from those who are so quick to defy and ridicule our God. Guess it is something I am going to work hard on doing - want to join me in the effort?

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Living life with no regrets.

I have had several people comment on the title of my blog - Living life with No Regrets. Let me try to explain what I mean by it. My motto has always been Noregrets. Having dealt with many many things throughout my childhood and my adulthood, I have had to make a conscious decision to do the best I can not to make decisions that I will regret later. But unfortunately, I don't control absolutely everything around me, and so yes, there will be some regrets in my life, as there are in every life. I can't control people's actions, but I can control my reaction - and there are some people who don't have that ability. So as I try hard to do those things that are pleasing to God, regardless what friends, family, or society says at times, I strive to do it in such a way, where there won't be regrets later.

Jeremiah 29:11 states; "for I know that plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to give you hope and a future." Reality says that God's plans might be good, but that doesn't mean that other people are going to be trying to do what is best for each other. Unfortunately, as we were all born with a sin nature, we will all screw up, be selfish at times, and hopefully realize it before it is to late.

I am thankful that I am learning who to trust, and who to hold at arms length. These past few weeks, I have heard how important it is for a husband and wife to protect each other, and I agree totally - but at this point I have no husband, so I will hold fast to the scripture that states that God is my vindicator and I will learn to trust Him more - and be careful who I chose to put my trust in, here on the ground.

I wish life were different at times, but I am trusting God for the bigger picture, and doing my best to live life with no regrets.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Laughter is the best medicine

Good morning peps. Just a light hearted thought for today. Yesterday I was blessed with being able to spend some time with my nieces. They were having a picnic lunch watching Cinderella II.
When is the last time you watched an animated movie with children? When is the last time you listened to children laugh? You know it is kind of contagious. They say that laughter is good for the soul, it does a heart good, it is like a good medicine. In the state of our world today, who doesn't need some laughter, something to lift up there soul. As I sat there and listened to the girls giggle, I could not help but start to smile, and before I knew it, I was laughing right along with them. It was a truly good day - I felt my heart smiling. If you have the ability - watch an animated movie with some little ones - and I dare you NOT to smile and laugh with them. I don't think it can be done. Just something to think about.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

I found the "good" one

Many of you know that my two nieces are the light of my life - and I am finding it is truly amazing what you can learn from them. Elizabeth is 5 and has already memorized the Old and the New Testament - books of the Bible. She is challenging Aunt San to do the same. - But then, her little brain isn't as full as mine, so I guess I have to be willing to cut myself a little slack. hahahaha Yes, I have taken her up on the challenge - and have 'remembered' all the New Testament books, and now am working on the Old Testament.

The other day I had the chance to spend a little time with Maddie(3) and Elizabeth (5). Maddie has this really bad habit, and Aunt San enjoys it to much to stop her yet. After hugs and kisses, Maddie always heads for Aunt San's pockets looking for "monies" for her piggy bank. Well the other day, I told her that I didn't have any "monies" but she kept patting my pockets. Then she started digging through the pockets of my scrub top. I figured she was probably looking for lip gloss, as they have discovered this and love it. I keep a tube of "kid friendly" flavored lip gloss in my car, and slip it in my pocket before entering the house. I figure that I can use the "kid" gloss on them, as it isn't going to stay on their lips very long - because they are always licking it off. And at least my Cherry Blistex lasts longer if they aren't "eating" it. All of a sudden she comes up with the tube of Strawberry whatever, she lays it on the end table and then starts digging again. Next thing I know, she smiles real big and says to Elizabeth - "look sister, I found the 'good' one". I had to laugh - she knew which one was the better one, and on that day she wasn't willing to settle for the cheap substitute.

The more I think about this I wonder if we, as Christians, aren't a little like this. We let the world give us some cheap imitation of success, acceptance, love instead of holding out for the "good" stuff. Maybe, we even carry this into our spiritual life also, we open "God's pocket", our Bible and skim through it - finding a scripture that will make us feel good - we've spent time with God. But how many times are we willing to take the time, and put in the effort to "dig" for the good stuff - and get excited when we find it. Jeremiah 29: 12-14a states 'you will call upon Me, and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear and heed you. Then you will seek Me, inquire for, and require Me (as a vital necessity) and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord.' (Amplified version)
How often do we call upon Him, pray, even come to him, but aren't willing to really "seek Him", or go as far as to "Require Jesus as a vital necessity"? And then we are wondering why we don't seem to be having success in our spiritual life. How long has it been since you have been able to call up a Christian Sister and say "look sister, I found the 'good' one." I guess maybe spending more time with my nieces will help sharpen up my spiritual skills. And for those of you wondering, yes, they got the "good stuff" that day. Just a little something to think about.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

A Different Road

My Life in 5 short chapters
Chapter 1: I walk down a road, there is a hole.
I don't see the hole, I fall in.
It takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 2: I walk down the same road, there is that hole.
I pretend not to see the hole, I fall in.
It takes me a long time to get out.
Chapter 3: I walk down the same road, there is that hole.
I see the hole, I fall in.
I get out quickly.
Chapter 4: I walk down the same road, there is that hole.
I walk around the hole.
Chapter 5: I walk down a different road!
This has been a rough couple of weeks for me, culminating with a really rough weekend. I'm so tired of walking down that road, pretending that the hole isn't there - or - thinking that I am Super Woman and I can 'fly past or over it' and it won't affect me. I guess maybe I am ready to start walking down a different road.
Can you relate with this life story? Are you tired of doing the same thing all the time? Sometimes my life story isn't just 5 chapters, but it could be expanded many times over in the middle - because of my own stubornness, and my struggle to ask for help. Somewhere I read that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. How often I find myself caught in this vicious cycle. I am so tired of being frustrated about the same things - over and over again.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (Amplified Bible) states: "Lean on, trust in, and be
confident in the Lord, with ALL your heart, and mind, and do NOT
rely on your own insight, and understanding. In all your ways,
know, recognize, and acknowledge HIM, and HE will direct,
and make straight and plain, your paths.
Maybe there is hope for me yet, if I am willing to follow "His" road map.
My prayer: Lord, A different road, that is what I pray that You, the Almighty God, will show me. As You show me that road, I pray that I will have the courage and strength to walk in
it, regardless of my feelings - trusting You completely.
As we walk this road together, let us join in with each other helping one another, without standing in judgement of one another.
I have a prayer request as I stand together with a good friend in prayer for a wonderful 14 year old boy, who is really struggling right now. We pray that God will give the doctors wisdom, the family courage, and most of all, my little buddy the knowledge that he is loved so so much, and life wouldn't be the same without him here. I don't want him to be 42 and struggling with where he fits in, so I can only pray that he will find that place soon, so he can smile again.
Consider yourself hugged. Thanks for stopping by.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

The whole world is in love when you are lonely

Happy Valentines Day!!!!

As I sit here on the 42nd Valentines Day of my life, with no prospects in sight, I am reminded of the song "the whole world is in love when you are lonely".

I never, in my worst dreams, would have thought that I would be 42 and single. The thing that surprises me though is that it isn't all that bad. Granted, I have no one to take care of me when I'm sick, or when I have to attend 4 funerals in 8 days, I wish that there was someone to hold my hand and let me cry. But as I watch those that I love being so hurt, it reminds me that at least I don't have to deal with infidelity and divorce. As I watch children struggle with the side effects of divorce and irresponsibility, at least I know that I haven't contributed to the pain of my children.

I have to laugh because I was dared to place an ad on craigslist - and I did it. The people that are out there are so so scary. After quickly weeding out the "visit my website" and the wierdos, there was 1 reply that actually had what I felt was potential. For the next couple of days we e-mailed, and then started instant messaging. After a week, he wanted to call me - and you know, I wa okay with that. So we talked daily for the next 4 days. Then I recieve an e-mail from him calling me a chicken, and accusing me being scared of committment. After doing some praying I responded to his e-mail, asking him what he was implying. I actually asked him if he was thinking about marriage after only 2 weeks of talking. He lived 9 hours from me, so we had never met. It is amazing how when I asked him that question, and asked him how much he had prayed about our friendship, I never heard from him again. I guess now I can understand why at 42 he has been married 4 times and has 7 children.

Why is it that there are so many "Christian" men out there, but when the rubber meets the road, they are actually like everyone else. Are there no men who truly love Jesus with all their heart and want a relationship based on Christian and biblical values? I guess until God brings that person into my life, I will cry alone at funerals, and continue to make my own chicken soup. I'm just glad that Christ continues to remind me that even though I might get lonely at times, I am never alone.

Monday, February 9, 2009

A world of hurt

This last week has been a rough one. It seems like every where I look, including in the mirror - people that I know and love and hurting and I feel so inadequate to be able to do anything about it.

My motto in life is to live life with no regrets, and as I get older, I find that is getting harder to do. We all make choices in life, and many of them have consequences, but what about those things that we don't choose. I have a wonderful friend, whose husband has cystic fibrosis, he didn't chose this yet they live daily with the side effects of this horrible disease. I have another friend, whose niece tragically died this past Thursday morning - trying to take care of some physical pain she was having. Still another friend who has had to deal with the reality that people are not always thinking about others, but making choices to suit themselves best knowing full well that if found out I see 2 little girls whose life has been turned upside down in the past few months because of poor choices that their parents have made - and to all of this, I can't do anything about it.

Where is God? Why does He seem so far away during these times? I know that He is in control, and I just have to allow things to happen, but no where does it say that I have to like it. So to all of you who are hurting, please know that you are loved and that I am praying for you. If you need to talk, vent, yell, scream, or whatever, you know where to find me. Consider yourself hugged.