As much as your love and acceptance would thrill me, my life is not dependent on it. I know who I am in Christ and that alone gives me the reason and validation to get up every morning and keep moving every day.
One thing that God has been showing me through my Mt. Moriah experience is the fact that HE is all that I need. Everyone and everything else in my life is just 'the icing on the cake' so to speak.
Just as Abraham had to be willing to give up the very thing that he had waited so long for, and felt was a blessing from God - so must I be willing to completely trust God to know what is best for me even if that means removing people and things from my life. I am amazed how my view, in the last 6 months, has changed of what is important.
Many of you know that the relationship between my mother and I has never been really solid - and usually is at best at least minorly strained. Well it came to a head again 3 weeks ago today, and as I look back in retrospect, yes it hurts, but it hasn't devastated me, as it would have in the past. I love my mom, I know that life hasn't been easy for her, but I am no longer willing to be "the only hell that she ever raised" as she told me many years ago. I can't change her life, or the decisions that she chooses to make in the way that she treats her children. I am not willing to allow her to blame me for all the problems in her life, or my siblings life, and if that means that I have to step away I am reluctantly willing to do that. As she ended one of our 3 conversations on the 25th of September, she said "Come get your things, have a nice life, good-bye." If I would have heard that from her 6 months ago, my heart would have been crushed. Did it hurt, yes, it hurt like hell, but I wasn't then/ and am not now willing to allow the hurt, and bitterness, that was spilling from her, to change and/or define who I am.
I am a child of God. Am I perfect? absolutely not - but I know that I am forgiven - and God has cast my sins as far as the East is from the West. He doesn't throw them in my face, every time He gets frustrated with me and ultimately He is who I have to please. He puts all of His children on a level playing field and never uses one to judge another by. He is teaching me, that He finds great value in me - I am His treasure. And I am excited to say that it has been a long time since I have seen anything good when I look in the mirror of my soul - but now through this experience, I can see so much clearer now at who I am in Christ - and that is good enough for me. I am enjoying His refining process in my life - even though the pain is great at times. I am learning that it isn't in people, things, or "stuff" that my worth and value is defined - it is simply in who I am.
I am so excited to see what He is continuing to show me, and how my trip to the Holy Lands plays into all of this. I am going to walk where Jesus walked, sit by the Sea of Galilee and hear His voice say "come follow me", and I am going to be able to honestly say 'Yes Lord, I am willing to do whatever it is that You are calling me to do', with nothing holding me back. And for that - this Saturday morning brings me a hope and excitement that I haven't felt in a long time.
Big hugs to you my friends. Know that I love you, but God loves you more than I ever will be able to.
I was just sitting here thinking that this time next month - I will be in the Holy Lands. I can not even begin to explain what is going on in my heart when I think of this. But I want to start blogging the journey, I feel that this is the process that I need to be taking at this point - even though it is a long way away. I certainly won't be blogging every day, at this point, but it should be a progression towards the day of departure.
I have been looking at "small" laptops lately, to help cut down on the luggage that I will be taking with me, and am amazed at all that is available. Maybe this is one of the ways that God is working on 'compacting' me down so that I don't have as much baggage either. LOL
^you cant build your future on hurts from the past.^ Maybe it is time to move ahead in life and leave the past behind including all the pain.
This was apost that I put on Facebook yesterday. I think of all of the decisions and things leading up to my going on this trip, and I am amazed at the Mt. Moriah experience that is going on in my life right now. Life has a way of teaching you things, even when you don't want to be taught - making you realize what is truly important, and what is just additional baggage. Pain and hurt is additional baggage that all to often people drag through life, or maybe pain and hurt drags people through life.
Growing up everyone talked about leaving things at the foot of the cross, and through these past 7 months, I am amazed how much I have left at the foot of the cross, and am so excited to think about actually getting to go and see where that cross was, the place that my Savior died, willingly for me, so that I might live. Am I doing Him a dis-service by not living life to the fullest - by dragging huge suitcases of hurt and guilt, shame and rejection around throughout my life?
As I make my lists of what I need to take with me, remembering that this trip is 2 weeks, not 2 years or 2 decades, God keeps reminding me of His ability to care for me, and take care of my every need - even in far off countries. As I keep researching the best way to blog and keep in touch during my sojourn I am thankful for the many things that God is showing me, and am excited to see what He is going to show me while I am there.
So you guys will get to go through this with me. Maybe there is something that God will teach you through this also - who knows, I guess time will tell. Hugs to you all.