I sit here this morning with lots and lots on my mind. So many decisions to be made in the next couple of weeks, and I find that I am really floundering.
This frame of mind is something that started several weeks ago, after a blow-up with my mom - and seems like there are more and more “ingredients” thrown in the soup, to make my decisions even more difficult.
In the last week I have been able to re-connect with a long lost friend, and she has been able to give me some very sage advice. She said “Screw everyone and do what you need to do to take care of you!” We talked on the phone for almost 4 hours, laughing, crying, and just getting caught up on what is going on with each other. Our paths through life have taken almost the same turns with some minor differences and one very major one - but I will save that for a future blog. I laugh because when she is frustrated, she wants to become Rip Van Winkle and leave civilization for 100 years, and I just want to pack up and go where no one knows me and start over. Work at a little diner, go home to my cat at night, and I don’t even like cats. LOL Even though the ideas are very different - the concept is exactly the same. Get away and see if you can do things differently the next time around.
As I was attending a college Graduation this past weekend, the keynote speaker was Louis Gossett Jr. and he made a statement that made me think. He said “You be all you can be, so that I can be all that I can be”. I truly enjoyed his commencement address and was privileged enough to be able to tell him so afterwards, in person. But, after much thought, I don’t think I can agree totally with that statement. Maybe it is because it gives to much power to others actions on the outcome of my life - I don’t know. Yes, I realize that we need people - but to many times in my life, I stopped doing something, or started doing something because of other people - and only hurt myself, or came to resent it. There are some instances where that statement is true - the scriptures say “As Iron sharpens Iron, so one man sharpens another.” and with this statement I agree, but for the most part, I am not going to wait for you to get your act together, so that I can work on getting my act together. I’m going to work on getting it together now.
So now I get to make so many new decisions. Our family structure has changed greatly over the last several years and will be doing a major change again in the next couple of months. For the majority of the last 10 years, I have been the daughter close to home, and very willing and able to help Mom and Dad out whenever needed. There were times that I was “reminded” that was the eldest daughters “job” - and since I was single - even more so. Almost 3 years ago, my sister and her family moved back to Yakima, and early this year, had to move back in with my parents - because of financial issues. Now, in the next few weeks, the youngest of my 2 brothers, along with his 7 year old son, will be moving from North Carolina back to Washington - and will also live with my parents until they can get established and get Michael into school this fall. So all that goes through my mind is where do I fit into this picture. My sister is now at home, and she should be the one that helps my parents - after all she is right there. My brother will be right there, and he can help my dad do the things that need to be done outside, and with the house, etc. Maybe I am feeling a little out of sorts, because now mom’s “perfect daughter - complete with her 2 children” and now “one of the boys” will be there. I have been “all things” for my folks the last 10 years, and now almost feel like I’m not needed anymore, not sure where I fit in.
Sooooooooo - in these last few weeks I have had some very interesting things brought up to me, and just completely out of the blue. I had a friend call me up about 10 days ago and offer me a job. He doesn’t know what is going on in my family - but is in need of a cook in his restaurant and thought of me. In some ways this would be an awesome opportunity and something I would absolutely love to do (work the morning shift, walk on the beach every afternoon - what’s not to like about that) -and still be close enough to home (5 hours) for Marilyn, and also if something major happened with mom and dad, but far enough away - to “start Over”. I have some “HUGE” red flags with this also, and so I don’t think this is what God wants me to do. Another thing that happened in the last couple of weeks, is a good friend of mine called me up and basically proposed to me. We have been friends for several years, have fun together, but I have never thought of him in a “boyfriend” role. He during one of our phone conversations - thank God it wasn’t across a table - he said “Sandy, I would like you to pray about something” and then proceeded to tell me that he has developed some really strong feelings for me and would like to marry me. Maybe I am a romantic - but for some reason, this is not the way I envisioned a relationship with “my future husband” to start. Don’t get me wrong - I am praying about it, and haven’t had any major “con’s” come up, but there isn't any 'spark' either, and so am waiting on God to show me what to do. When I return from the East Coast, I will probably be making a quick trip to where he lives, to spend a little time with him - and go see his pastor. I also have the invitation from friends back here (East Coast) to move here and I could easily get a job here - but I have to keep Marilyn in mind. I love taking care of people ie my current job, but maybe it is time to start taking care of me.
The scripture in Proverbs tells me to Lean not on my own understanding and in my ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct my paths. Guess I have so so much more praying to do. I don’t want to get ahead of God, but I have to honestly say that there are times that I feel like somewhere He has forgotten about me and my dreams. So I will learn to be patient a little longer, seek Him a little more diligently - and watch and see what He has in store. - As I walk with the King, sandy