I really had a rough morning today - trying to deal with all the emotions that came crashing in on me yesterday. I tried to call several friends first, but it seemed like all I got were answering machines - so I gave in and made a call to my counselor.
As I expressed my frustrations with the entire "family" situation and then the anger that I was feeling with myself for letting it affect me yesterday - he was very patient with me. Then he asked me to tell him how I was feeling by using a word picture. I got mad at him - what do "word pictures" have to do with my feelings - but after talking for over an hour he convinced me that it would be very beneficial for me to start doing this.
I am not sure that I will be any good at this, but some people tell me that I have a gift in this area - so here goes. He said he would be checking my blog tomorrow and won't talk to me again, until I have completed this assignment. LOL guess I can't put it off much more. Here goes:
A Hurricane: -The storm in my soul
I feel the storm coming - I can feel the churning deep inside of my stomach - what can I do to hold it off, what can I do to change it's course. Trying to look for every distraction possible, it seems like the winds are picking up - and it is becoming inevitable.
Now it is time to think of protection - will I be able to hold it together, I CAN'T let myself fall apart, I will seem weak - if not in the eyes of others, certainly in my own. I'm tired of the storms, I'm tired of having to rebuild what is left of my deteriorating self-esteem. Will the levies hold, can I hold the 'rain' at bay? Where can I go where I will be safe, at least for the time being, I need to be safe - I can think about damage control/rebuilding later - I just want to make sure that there is a later.
The winds are now howling, and the rain is making the rivers rise. My breathing become shallow, as I gulp often trying to hold the tears at bay. The levies are holding as I bear down, squeezing my eyes closed - praying that I can somewhere gain my composure again. I slowly open my eyes, as the rivers slowly and silently course down my cheeks - if the storm subsides, I will be able to do this. I head for safety, can I make it? The winds continue to howl, my emotions are rolling 100 mph - and I feel as the walls slowly crumbling.
Where is my safe place? I can't find it - all at once it seems the eye of the storm is directly above me - the calm, the eerie peace, it seems unreal. It seems to settle there for a while - but under the cover of darkness - several hours later it moves, and the storm howls unmercilessly. This time I know the levies won't hold - maybe if I open the spillways, I can save what is left of the levies. Under the cover of darkness, alone in my room, I don't have to worry about what other people think. As the tears fall in massive proportions, the tension slowly eases up - the winds slow down. Before I know it, my body is relaxing, and the tension is gone - maybe the Hurricane is past. Hopefully this season will be a slow one - and I will be able to get through it with very little damage. Except for some water damage, I was able to salvage most of my self esteem through this storm.
So I guess until the next storm hits, I will continue to walk, hanging on to the hand of the King. S