Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I HATE!!! crying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I absolutely hate it when my emotions betray me!!!!!!!!!!!

I so want to be in control and it is so frustrating when I feel blind-sided by something. Today Kim and I went and spent a little time at the mall - something I do Not do often. As we were walking around, my eye was drawn to a children's clothing store - and some really cute outfits. Automatically - I think it is the "auto-pilot" in me - kicked on and I had to go look. E's birthday is in less than a month - and with summer coming - I thought dresses for the 'girls'.

I am not joking when I say that within 2 minutes of entering the store - my emotions hit full force. As I hurried to get out of there, I just about knocked Kim over - she not knowing what was going on, looked like what is wrong with you. I told her I just had to get out of there. Once out of the store, I headed up the corridor - only to be greeted by gymboree and the Gap for Kids.

I hate this, I absolutely hate this. They know what those girls mean to me, and they are so willing to use them as pawns - how low can you get?????????? My heart is breaking so bad - and there isn't anything I can do about it.

I know I scared the lady when I walked in to a "fat" store, as I was just trying to get the tears under control.

I know that God gave us emotions for a reason, and that the scriptures say that He saves our tears, but I have cried so many stinking tears these past 2 1/2 months, He can fill an ocean. And I HATE crying. I just want the insanity to stop. If it doesn't stop soon, I won't be able to stay in Yakima, because my heart just won't last. I mean here I am almost 2,500 miles away and a little girl's dress sends me to blubbering.

I remember the years that I spent, never crying, built the walls so high, no one could get in, and I couldn't see out at what I was missing. On days like today - that seems like paradise.

I am not sure what I am supposed to be learning through these lessons, but for now I am doing the best I can, hanging on to His hand, as I walk with the King. S


Alley said...

Hey, don't let the SOB get to you. God will get them - you know that eventually they will come around. But until then you know you are welcome here. We would have a great time, and I promise to keep you laughing. Hang in there Kiddo - Big hugs

Sandy said...

Thank you - I just wish I could go back and do so so many things differently - but I can't - and so I live with my broken heart. Unfortunately hoping on a plane doesn't always solve the problem. After all, I am currently 2,500 miles away from the garbage now, and it doesn't seem to be helping. Thank you for the support though - I have missed you!!!

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your pain and anquish. Funny how these emotions show up at the worst possible times, but its good to be able to have them. Crying can be therapeutic though, washes the soul or drowns us deeper into despair, ultimately the choice is yours. Love the blogs, followed link here.Hope to catch up on the others.