I absolutely hate it when my emotions betray me!!!!!!!!!!!
I so want to be in control and it is so frustrating when I feel blind-sided by something. Today Kim and I went and spent a little time at the mall - something I do Not do often. As we were walking around, my eye was drawn to a children's clothing store - and some really cute outfits. Automatically - I think it is the "auto-pilot" in me - kicked on and I had to go look. E's birthday is in less than a month - and with summer coming - I thought dresses for the 'girls'.
I am not joking when I say that within 2 minutes of entering the store - my emotions hit full force. As I hurried to get out of there, I just about knocked Kim over - she not knowing what was going on, looked like what is wrong with you. I told her I just had to get out of there. Once out of the store, I headed up the corridor - only to be greeted by gymboree and the Gap for Kids.
I hate this, I absolutely hate this. They know what those girls mean to me, and they are so willing to use them as pawns - how low can you get?????????? My heart is breaking so bad - and there isn't anything I can do about it.
I know I scared the lady when I walked in to a "fat" store, as I was just trying to get the tears under control.
I know that God gave us emotions for a reason, and that the scriptures say that He saves our tears, but I have cried so many stinking tears these past 2 1/2 months, He can fill an ocean. And I HATE crying. I just want the insanity to stop. If it doesn't stop soon, I won't be able to stay in Yakima, because my heart just won't last. I mean here I am almost 2,500 miles away and a little girl's dress sends me to blubbering.
I remember the years that I spent, never crying, built the walls so high, no one could get in, and I couldn't see out at what I was missing. On days like today - that seems like paradise.
I am not sure what I am supposed to be learning through these lessons, but for now I am doing the best I can, hanging on to His hand, as I walk with the King. S